What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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