my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
