she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
