these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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