So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
too bad you live with your parents still
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
