you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
