there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
