i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
