She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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