Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
