So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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