Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
