Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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