...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
