you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
