don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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