my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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