I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
