The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
