I think my fart just growled at me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
smell my finger.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She's just so happy...and so naked.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
