i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
