I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
