He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I accidentally burped into my bong.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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