How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
