I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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