Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
