It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
