The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
