i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
