She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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