Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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