I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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