i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Everything about him screamed your future.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
