Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
