Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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