Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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