look no pants
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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