a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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