Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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