Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
