Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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