Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
