Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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