i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
