1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
