I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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