I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
