This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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