Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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