Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
