He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
How does one acquire holy water?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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