I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
