Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
