Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
