we should wear snuggies to the strip club
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
