Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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