My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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