yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
