We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
