i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
