She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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